As the war on women wore on, it wore on me and I swore. I, a moron and more a moron than a Moroff, that venerable if venereal Russian noble family, who made war on women and occasionally dogs too. Where were the generals in the war on women? Where were the troops? Sworn as we were to lay those women low, or perhaps get those women laid. And would we be paid, us the staid, fighting women, and putting up with women while we put other women down. Women: can’t live with them and can’t live without em I say.
But wait I have more on the women who waged war on morons and on. How had the war started? This war on women? And who had started it? A woman? A man?
Diplomacy had failed.
The ultimatum had been transmitted and all over America you could hear the clatter of heels and implements of war. Women? What good were they? Edison’s own wife he exclaimed with disgust in his diary saying she “couldn’t invent worth a damn”. With no more brains than God gave a bag of hair most of them. And now this nasty war, sitting in trenches looking across the bleak and bomb blasted landscape with a storm of screaming shells, humorless women, and barbed wire. Some babe had casually shot the arch Duke and set the whole world off. Then the French got involved, and the Spanish Inquisition. The Duke had said something disparaging about her coffee so she plugged him. She’d had enough certainly of these pigdog males and their imperious ways. Go wash out your own dirty underwear guys, the ladies had had enough. Put your toilet seat down or we’ll put YOU down guys. What’s wrong your hands? Do they become but useless appendages whenever it comes to disposing of the products of your foul openings and exits? Garbage in, Garbage out. The food was rotten even before you ate it. I say fling open those portals and let it free. But once you free
it, don't just let it be! Can’t you flush? Are you so enamored of anything that had so intimate an association with your inner workings that you can’t bear to bid it good bye? Yes there will be war and from now on you will have to flush your own damned toilet.
But it’ gonna take a lotta love to get us through the night. Another truckload of love I think is in order, several tons. Forklifts of love on pallets lifted off of trucks.
You claimed that all you said was “Let’s make peace tonight” but I thought you said “Let’s get a piece tonight”. I was singing “I got you babe” and you were singing “You got me babe”. It was a very emotional day to say the least. Maybe it was just hormones, like guys, you don’t have hormones too? Let us sort out the dialogue between your head and your heart, between your hypothalamus and your epididymus. Make peace between the platypus and the hippopotamus. What the duck, give it a try why don’tcha?
I hear this song ALL the time in stores. It must be almost 50 years old by now so I wish they would give it a rest. It's got a catchy beat but it is like chinese water torture in my brain. I may not be a woman and I am grateful that horny rock stars from Canada will not be coming down here and bothering our womenfolk, but I am an American so I am mildly annoyed. So I wrote new words to the song and titled it "Canadian Woman". here goes: Canadian women gonna mess your mind Canadian women, she gonna mess your mind Mm, Canadian women gonna mess your mind Mm, Canadian women gonna mess your mind Say c Say a Say n Say a Say d i Say a n, mm Canadian women gonna mess your mind Aye, Canadian women gonna mess your mind Eh? Canadian women gonna mess your mind
Canadian women, you are such a pain Canadian women the way you say “again” Don't come a-hangin' around my door I don't wanna see your face no more I got more important things to do Than spend my time playin hockey with you Now women, I said get the puck away Canadian women, listen what I say
Canadian women, get away from me Canadian women, mama, let me be Don't come a-knockin' around my door Don't wanna see your shadow no more Northern lights can hypnotize Sparkle someone else's eyes Now women, I said get away Canadian women, listen what I say, hey
Canadian women, said get away Canadian women, listen what I say Don't come a-hangin' around my door Don't wanna see your face no more I don't need your Zamboni machines I don't need your kings and queens, Northern lights can hypnotize Sparkle someone else's eyes Now women, get away from me Canadian women, mama, let me be
Go, gotta get away, gotta get away Now go go go I'm gonna leave you, women Gonna leave you, women Bye-bye Toronto Bye-bye Montreal You're no good for me I'm no good for you Gonna look you right in the eye Tell you what I'm gonna do You know I’m going south You know I'm gonna go You know I'm going south You know I'm gonna go, women I'm gonna leave ya, women Goodbye, Canadian women...
